Recognize your stuff;
Deal with your stuff
Don’t project your stuff;
Don’t blame others for your stuff
I grew up in a family where projecting our stuff was normal. Blaming others, starting fires, adding fuel to others fires was normal. The chaos of it all was even fun sometimes. We didn’t create space for really recognizing what was our stuff to take responsibility for, and because we didn’t, we became our own barriers to healing.
Nowadays, I’m going toe to toe with dysfunction.
I remember as a kid when an adult would hurt or offend me, I would want to confront them, but within my family, that behavior was seen as disrespectful. So I got creative...or what I thought was creative, and I wrote post it notes. Clearly, I felt unheard. Those experiences led to a number of toxic messages that I’m still unlearning.
Fast forward to adult days: I really felt it when my partner first called me out for doing the very thing that was normalized in my family: projecting my stuff. It was something I always needed---the calling out part---and validation that someone else saw the need and value of dealing with your own stuff, checking your stuff, and owning it to prevent projecting it.
Being a therapist, being in therapy (yes, therapists need a therapist too), being an entrepreneur, and more importantly being in a healthy romantic partnership and healthy familial relationships and friendships is my way of intentionally putting myself in the ring with my stuff. I’m grateful to have people in my corner, who are bold and confident enough to check me in the most loving, real, and assertive way without their own projections or stuff getting in the way.
Likewise, being an athlete, being a teammate, developing relationships with those who can confidently and lovingly confront you can help you thrive. Your coach’s main job is to make you aware of your stuff: your playing strategy that is creating havoc or adding value to your or the overall team’s goal of winning.
Nobody can choose the choice for you to own your own fight and fight your own fight, but others can support you in the fight.
I’m thankful for the people that check me more than they check on me.
Who’s checking you?
What are you fighting?