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Evolving After Loss

I’ve been taking a break to find that woman that I lost;

I'm learning how to value more my healthy familial relationships and friendships;

Remembering that I used to just surround myself with people to claim a popularity, but didn't realize then, that I was settling for company.

I no longer find my worth through relationships, so I no longer engage in just any old relationships.

I’d rather be seen alone and be internally happy than be seen with people and feeling lonely and unhappy;

I’ve been there.

I wish more people would come out and lose the facade that investing in relationships doesn’t mean losing parts of you that you shouldn’t have to lose,

Because I know I’m not alone.

I feel the energy from parents not enjoying parenting, from spouses not enjoying their significant others, and I’m not just speaking about momentary conflict, but actual relational depression.

I don’t want to feel that.

I want to be validation for something different and for something more;

I want to be validation for freedom in relationship and for boundaries being respected and honored not over-explained and fought for.

I’m done fighting in petty ways over trivial matters;

I’ve proven my strength in unhealthy ways long enough.

I’m learning how to fight differently;

Fight in a way that makes the woman I am and am becoming proud and even more secure in who she is.

Some confidence comes through winning internal battles that you don’t need to commentate;

It comes through softness and surrendering.

I had to unlearn that confidence isn’t always loud.

I thank God that in being a girly tomboy, I’ve used my masculine energy to protect myself cause I knew all along I could trust me, but deep down inside I was afraid to trust another with me.

I'm coming to grips with that fear.

I’m learning that me and that fear was onto something, I can’t just trust anybody, but I can trust somebody.

I trust the family and friends,

with whom I’ve been able to cultivate healthy relationships,

with whom I’ve been able to laugh until I’m in tears,

with whom I’ve been able to dance freely around,

with whom I’ve been genuinely free and authentic,

with whom I’ve been able to be human around and experience the complexities of my emotions and my truths.

I take this time to thank you all for co-creating this space for me to love on and heal my wounded inner child,

who forgot the crown her father placed on her head,

who forget her respect doesn’t need to be fought for,

who knows how to carry herself in such a way that healthy love is understood and doesn’t have to be explained,

who knows that there are certain things that are a prerequisite for any type of access.

I’m committed to my healing with fresh fuel that comes from being there and doing that and having plenty of scars to show for it.

I’m tired of telling stories that end with “I can’t make this stuff up;”

I’m ready to share stories of experiences I don’t have to heal from.

Here’s to a new journey, a new trajectory on my own healing journey.

What have you discovered in you through grieving?

(This is in honor of losing one of my favorite people, with whom I wished I would have invested more in-person quality time. I hate that I had to learn through her passing the high value of unapologetically not taking ish from anyone and the significance of taking up space in ways that honor your truths and your growth. Thank you Cassandra for still taking up space. Through your elevation, I’ve gained fuel to evolve. I love you and oh, do I miss you, but I see your presence and your light all around. I know you and my grandmother are sharing truths and taking no mess with smiles that keep the lights flowing through Heaven.)

Written by Kheri A. Corbin,

This is for the Black Athletes, who lost themselves somewhere along the way and are rediscovering who they are,

And the for the ones who genuinely love them

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